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Writing Tips
From Seasoned Pro

BOOKS:

FREE DOWNLOADS

"The Contract"
Free Download

"Betrayed by
Her Guardian Angel"
Free Download

Other E-books by Stacie:

Burgers and Caviar

Coming Soon:
Braddigan's Folly

Non-Fiction:

Demonic Spirits
and You...

Things That Invite
Demonic Spirits

The Trilogy

Nowhere to Turn

ENDORPHINS:
(Just for fun)

Sleepytime

Countrystyle
Hoedown

Disneyland: Lily's Page

Don't Like Exercise

Tranquility

OTHER:

Info. About the spirit realm and the occult

I Got Mail

The unusual items of interest, cutesies, jokes, and feel-good items on this page were taken from e-mails I've received. Some have been around for a long time, but I'm sure some of them will be new to you. I hope you'll enjoy them.

Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble:

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

"Y ou know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

The Garden:

An old man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. H is only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help him, was
in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Daddy Jankins, Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Junebugg Jankins III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins, You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Junebugg III

The Dam

  This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his Property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.   This guy's response is hilarious, but Read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.

State of Pennsylvania' s letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, The Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland La kes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 To 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here Is the actual response sent back by Mr DeVries:

Re: DEQ File
No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr.Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the Legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your dep artment to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

  These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resour ce and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
Sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
Annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that e ither one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.   In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears!   Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine,I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

Country Funeral

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery, way back
in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before... all the way from Genesis to Revelation.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"

Maxine's slide down the Banister of Life

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written

An impressive new book. It's called .......

'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite:

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss,

The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. The only time the world beats a path to

Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.

The seat folded up, the drink spilled and

That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable

Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

7. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my

Mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all

I needed was turn signal fluid.'

8. As you slide down the banister of life,

May the splinters never point the wrong way

If you stare at this picture long enough
you should be able to see a giraffe.
This is weird. Give it a try.

The Senior T-Shirt!

We are Valuable!!
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair,
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our ass.

And We are loaded with natural gas!!!

Click HERE TO GO TO "I Got Mail 2"

Free Download of Stacie Spielman's "Betrayed by Her Guardian Angel"

Also available: Free Download of Stacie's romance The Contract.